Friday, December 21, 2007

Midwinter Lights Holiday of Your Choice Present-Twelve Missing Sex Scenes

My So-Called Life-

You know how sometimes life is like a chocolate shake? You want to drink the shake right away and you suck real hard on the straw but it hurts so much. So you've gotta wait until it's warmer and wetter and it doesn't hurt so bad, you know? But then you've got this perfect time to drink the shake, when it's not too cold that it won't go through the straw and not so warm it's disgusting and starts seeping through the wax in the paper cup. So you try to get there and it's really hard. This is me, waiting for Jordan Catalano in the hallway. Because like, every day in the boiler room, when I press him into the railing above the furnaces and unzip his pants, I've got to plan just the right time to spit.

Your Lego Brand Toys-

"Bjarke, take me on the train to the police station! There, perhaps we will find an Astronaut or a Knight to make love to in a fabulous tres og ni!"

"I will, Søren, after I finish this game of football and drive the ambulance in circles. To get me in the mood first, take off your trousers."

"As you wish. Ahhhh! AAAAAHHHHH! Oh my God! The HORROR! The HORROR!"

On the Road-

Dean made me an egg sandwich. I told him it tasted like shit. He hit me. I beat him up. Then he let me fuck him in Cleveland.

The Talking Cats Video-

Left hand cat: Im in ur krotch, razin ur temperchur.
Right hand cat: Iz glad iz u.
Left hand cat: M'kay.
Right hand cat: U takes unother life wiz ur wilz!
Left hand cat: M'kay. M'kay.
Right hand cat: I can haz orgazm?
Left hand cat: M'kaaaay.
Right hand cat: Iz dun.
Left hand cat: I likes ur earwax.
Right hand cat: Ew.

The Democratic Debates-

Sen. Obama: I think the European Union as a whole has been a long-standing ally of ours, and through NATO we've been able to make some significant progress. Afghanistan, in particular, is an area where we should be focusing. NATO has made real contributions there.

Gov. Richardson: Take me.

Your shampoo bottle-

Lather, oh God, lather, yeah. Oh shit. Okay. Repeat. Oh just repeat. Repeat repeat REPEAT OH OH OH. Follow with Pantene Pro-V conditioner.


"Joshua seduced me."

The Wizard of Oz-

The Tin Man: Oh, Dorothy, this heart is telling me that I (twang sound of tin uncrumpling) love you.

Dorothy: Did I tell you which body part I asked The Wizard for?

Slaughterhouse Five-


Billy Pilgrim has become unstuck in time, and gotten his come stuck all over Bernard O'Hare.

Mystery Science Theatre 3000-

TV's Frank (on the screen): There's no need to tell Joel, Servo. This is just between you, me Dr. Forrester and our... needs.

Servo (also on the screen): Joel will never find out?

Dr. Forrester (also also on the screen): No. Now, just let Frank do what he needs to do with you.

Servo (screen): Okay, mmm, that feels... tingly.

Dr. Forrester (at home in the lab): Um, Frank? Why is A Night at the Crypt in this envelope? What are we showing Joel right now?

Joel: Worst movie ever.

The Mac ads-

PC walked in to find Mac on his iPod, his eyes closed, sitting at his laptop, but bobbing his head to something and hissing out a few jumbled lyrics, his head turning for dramatic effect. PC walked over to him, took the headphone out of his left ear and placed it in his own. It was All I Want is You by U2. Mac pushed his forefinger in his ear and slid the chord between his middle and ring finger until he found it against PC’s cheek. He stood up and swung around dramatically, lipsynching the words with his hand over his heart. PC giggled and started doing the same. Mac pressed into his own chest, mouthing “Yooooooo-ooooou,” kissed his fingers and turned them toward PC. PC kissed his own and pressed them into Mac’s palm. Mac clasped his hand, stretched it out and pushed their chests together. They danced out the rest of the song. Linux watched, a huge grin on his face, from the couch. The two of them swirled before him, breathing out the lyrics with the sound of their soles swishing against the floor.

Later, they shared hard drives. As Mac wasn't running Windows, no viruses were exchanged.

Your Monopoly pieces-

Dog: That's not a condom, Cannon, that's Thimble.


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